Jokes Page

[Jason]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
=============================
Man goes to see the Doctor

"Doctor I think I have caught that bird flu that's going around"

"What makes you think that sir"

"Well.....I've started wearing make up, talking boll*cks and can't park the car"
=============================
The class are learning about the word 'contagious'

The teacher asks for opinions and, Ron, the class swot put his hand up and says 'My mum says measeles in contagious'

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'anyone else?'

Irish Shaun jumped up and said, in a broad Irish accent, 'My next-door neighbour is painting his ceilings with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious'
=============================
Did you hear about the gay magician? He vanished with a poof.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died" replied Tim tearfully without looking up "and I've just buried him".
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a gold fish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last piece of earth.
"Well", he replied, "that's because it's inside your cat."
==============================
You gotta love this guy...This is a true story about recent wedding that
took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests...
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for
coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token
of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party,
was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them
to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a
private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a
couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then
he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, I'm outta here."
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as
if nothing were wrong.
His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This
guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of
this:
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends.........$32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!

[Jason]

A brunnete is having trouble, every where she touches it hurts! So she goes to the doctors to find out what is wrong, the doctor says the usual (whats wrong blah blah) then says okay then could you show me?
The brunnete says yes of course and puts her finger up to her elbow and shrieks with pain as she touches it, then to her knee (same shriek with pain) eventually the doctor says okay i thionk i know what's wrong. Surprised the brunnete says what then doctor?

The doctor replies, you aren't naturally a brunnete are you? The brunnete replies no i am actually a blonde!

Thought so says the doctor.... you have a broken finger!
=============================
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
=============================
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts







scroll down wait for it













































"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

[Jason]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)




(a masterpiece)



(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)



Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
============================
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
============================
5 Stages of sex

1) The first is Smurf Sëx.
This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue
in the face.


2) The second is Kitchen Sëx.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sëx anywhere, anytime,
even in the kitchen.


3) The third stage is Bedroom Sëx.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you've got kids, so you have to do it in
the bedroom.


4) The fourth stage is Hallway Sëx.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "fück you!"


5) The fifth stage is Courtroom Sëx.
This is when you get divorced and your wife scrëws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

[Jason]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight" !

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
============================
CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men, and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded
with blanks,� she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
============================
5 people are on a plane, bush, the worlds smartest man and the worlds smartest lady, a schoolboy, and a old man. The plane is about to crash and there are 4 parachutes. the worlds smartest man says "the world needs my brain". He takes a parachute and leeps out of the plane. The worlds smartest lady says "the world needs my brain." He takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane. Bush says "the Unites states needs me" He grabs a parachute and leaps out of the plane. The old man looks at the schoolboy and says "you go son, my time in the world is over." The schoolboy responeds "we can both live, the president took my backpack"
===========================
President Bush and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the courtyard below.

The Queen says to the President out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a hundred dollars that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

Bush says, ". You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the President is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every American person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one wave of my hand."

The Queen goes, ", it can't be done."

So the President slapped her.
============================
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her:"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

[Jason]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they
connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her
around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with
sweet cuddly teddy bears.


Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and
huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.


The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would
have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive,
but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.


She turns to him ..! . they kiss ... and then they
rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls
over and asks, smiling,
'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf!'

[Jason]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in
each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The bartender decides to try make some conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi and what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"

"Great.... lovely day ..... had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be
Louie".

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles and don't ask me about my f***in day!"

[Jason]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is
in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"!
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How
much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000." The father says, "That's
terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those
two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you
confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again. You're in my cupboard now"

[Jason]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from".
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer"?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!

[Jason]

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference
between potentially and realistically?"


The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied: "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an
opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!".

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,
but realistically we're living with two slappers."


The father replied, "That's my boy!"

[Jason]

David Beckham goes to the hair dressers to have his hair cut, and has these headphones on.

The hairdresser insists he takes them off, but David protests, "I cant take them off, it is really important" .

The hairdresser complains that it will be impossible to cut his hair with them on, but David insists " this is a really important thing that I keep them on!''

The nice lady hairdresser, with her best tact, tries to explain how it will be an impossible task to cut David's hair with these huge headphones stuck to his head, but Beckham insists, "look, it is a real life or death situation, I cannot take the headphones off!"

Exasperated, the hairdresser takes the headphones off Beckham and puts them on her own head.

("breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out"!) ...
==============================================
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the
Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.

Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he
is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo street" he says."

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and
my parents still live there!"





"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
================================
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees !

What a powerful river !

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.



As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak bear beginning to charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest he tried to run even faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to deliver a killing blow.



"OH MY GOD !" he pleadingly screamed.

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the powerful river stopped flowing.

A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from all around,
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS. YOU TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST. YOU EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER? "

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years and under these circumstances but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian? "



"VERY WELL" said the voice.

The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

The huge bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed and spoke............
"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

[knightstu]

I was at the cash michine today when this old lady asked me to check her balance! so i pushed the old dear over!.

[jmiller2004]

Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace...
If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a ‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else to do it for you…
If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground
the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticize or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted…
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do…
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before…
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves…
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…
Everything can be filed under “pending.”…
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour…
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing…
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail…
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it…
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk…
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying…
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…
Following the rules will not get the job done…
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”…
No matter how much you do, you never do enough…
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong…

[Jason]

As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by
the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just
downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a
way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them
back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought
out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then,
making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds
and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as
possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and
asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of
the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What
is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."

[x_kaykie_x]

i dont no any good joke but i do like peter kays :
knock knock
whos there?
bigish
bigish who?
not today thanks!!!
That makes me laugh every time he tells it lol

[xx-candyj-xx]

knock knock
whos there
mish
mish who
mish who is in ya garden

made up and nt funni sorri

[brocky]

What do you call a pig with 8 eyes??


A PIIIIIIIIG

Better said than read to be honest!

[Danny]

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO...

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'











MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[jooby]

Down at the bank, loan officer Patricia Wack was sitting at her desk in the lobby when a frog came up and said to her, "Ms. Wack ... my name is Kermit and I want to get a loan."

She was very surprised to meet a talking frog. Nevertheless, she tried to be courteous and professional.

She asked, "How much do you want to borrow Mr. Kermit ?"

"It's Mr. Jagger Ms. Wack.
Kermit is my first name.
I need $30,000."

"My, my", she said. "That's a lot of money. What will you do with it ?"

"I'm planning a long vacation", said the frog.

"I see" , said Ms. Wack.
"And do you have any collateral to secure this loan?"

"Yes indeed" , he said. "I have this splendid pink plastic elephant."

She examined the small figure and shook her head. "I really don't think this will be sufficient collateral for so much money Mr. Kerm... I mean Jagger."

The frog said, "Listen. Your Vice-President is a friend of my father. Show it to him and tell him who I am. I'm sure he'll approve my loan."

Doubtful, but unwilling to offend a customer, she went to see the Vice-President in charge of loans. When she burst into his office she interrupted a meeting he was having with the bank's President.
"Oh! I am very sorry" , she said.

But the Vice-President insisted she go ahead and explain what she wanted so she told him about a talking frog named Kermit Jagger wanting a loan of $30,000 and offering a pink plastic toy elephant for collateral.

The Vice-President and the President looked at each other and shook their heads up and down. He asked to see the elephant she was holding.
"Okay." he said. "Make the loan."

She was stunned. "With this for collateral ? What on earth is it ?"

The Vice-President and the President sang out the answer in unison,
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Wait for it your gonna love this
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"It's a knick-knack Patty Wack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[brocky]

www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

...sheer class, sheer genius......what else can I say!!

[willowthewhisp]

Brocky some of those photos are hilarious, especially the ones with the 'hairstyle' too.